Kako se pocutiti kot kriminalec v Sloveniji (II)
I don't really know why.
But I only have 2 chargers. And one ADSL line. Definitely it wouldn't work faster.
And as well, the routers' shape has a lot of curves, so I cannot let them like that for a long time, they would eventually fall.
I thought I'd just use those curves to my advantage and organize a Miss Iskratel contest…
-And let's not talk about the girl in the packaging, her column must look like a question mark right now.-
So I sent them back home. Maybe their evil master forced another firmware into them, but I hope they be OK, wherever they are.
But, how this came to happen ? How did these nice thingies come into my humble dominions ?
How to feel like a criminal in Slovenia
Part II: How to KEEP Internet working in the Glorious Republic
Our move into Ljubljana was almost complete. I still had to go to some premises of our competent government to convince them to change my new address properly; making them write my name correctly was a long-lost battle. But we could say, everything was going decently. I'll talk about papers other day.
But, one nice winter afternoon… Internet cut.
According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Internet, if Internet cuts the first think is not to panic. Wait a bit and it should come back. But It didn't.
So second step is… a-la-Moss , "hello IT, did you try plugging it off and on again?". But it didn't work either.
As such, we tried to make certain we weren't the cause of the problem, by changing the router, the splitter, trying with the main line… and according to the symptoms, we figured out something was wrong at their side, in the central.
I could feel a chill down my spine. That means I depend on them to fix it.
Not everyone reading this is an expert, so let's explain ADSL in a nutshell…
To make an analogy with phones, the DSLAM is a phone switch which, on one side has a huge cable that connects to Internet, and on the other has a lot of smaller phone cables that go to people's homes. When a computer wants to use Internet, it "picks up the phone" (router), and dials the DSLAM. DSLAM answers "hi, who's there?", router tells user and password, and DSLAM checks with his friend RADIUS and says "ok". Then you have internet connection and your computers can talk to the rest of computers in the world.
Problem is the DSLAM is a computer, and as all computers, it fails sometimes, and so it did in our case. So the router didn't hear any "line tone" and couldn't dial.
So, the quick solution is,
Instead of that, we have badly-paid technicians, who mostly think of going home soon, and operators that are nothing but a shield for our insults, so they don't reach the delicate ears of the CEO.
They don't have IT knowledge, they are paid a shit and as only tools they have some crappy application that never works. Some of them really want to help you, but they are as helpless as you and they will get a reprimend if they help you more than what is profitable for the company. (Actually, in Spain they're forbidden to talk in English to an English customer, as "some of your colleagues don't speak it, and you would be being unfair to them". Therefore the course of action is to keep talking Spanish till the poor guy gets fed up and hangs)
So the first call was like:
-(Half an hour later) Welcome, my name is Pepe, how can I help you ? (In Slovene)
-Er… you er… wait
(You hear a big mess, they're trying to find someone)
-Hi, what's ur problem ?
-Well, Internet went down a pair of hours ago, I've checked everything here, but the problem seems to be in your DSLAM, in the central. Probably it hung, or there is a problem in the cabling. Could you send someone to check it ?
-Ok, can you tell me your name ?
-Ok, we don't have any notice of a problem… so the problem is yours. Please reset the router and try again. Thank you for your call.
(Hangs)
Lunch time, I guess. After a pair more calls, and 20 trials on their part to make the checks I did already just because the script says so, they say they'll tell Telekom to fix it.
So we wait… 1 day… 2…
-Hi, my name is xxxx how can I help you?
-Well, (explanation) and we're waiting for 2 days already.
-Well, the contract says we can take up to three.
-Er… hey dudes… it's been 4 days
-Well, we sent the report to Telekom…
-Yep, but I don't pay Telekom, I pay you. If Telekom is not fixing it you should tell them to.
-Er… I cannot promise you anything, sir. (This must really be a scripted sentence, they use more than the IMPOSSIBLE !!! one)
Next day in the morning, Volja calls. They say that there's no problem, cause their system says we're connected.
-Yes sir, it's sending data right now… no cut.
-You're telling me that I'm sending data all this time.
-Yes sir
-How can I be sending data if the router is disconnected and unplugged ?
-Which lights has it on?
-(DIS-CO-NNEC-TED and UN-PLU-GGED) None, it's been unplugged for a day already.
-No sir, it's connected right now.
-It's in a drawer… (right next to your brain)
-IMPOSSIBLE!!!! ™
-The problem is in the central, something is either wrong with the DSLAM or some software of yours, (RADIUS server, eg). There's no line coming here, so even if router was on it cannot even synchronize (like dialing)
-(Laughs. I have said words that are not on his script, so I'm obviously wrong in what I say)
-Really, leave it.
In this country you only can get things done if you have "insider" contacts. Luckily the only helpful technician from part I gave us his mobile number. I'm not for calling people just like that, but my desperation had taken my spirit lower than the competence of Volja's human shields.
Damn, THAT's the way.
Unfortunately, it happened again in a pair of days. So we called him and he, the next day (it happened in late afternoon usually) went there and reset it. However, this wasn't a long term nice plan. He admitted he's not so much into the computer part (again, someone really admitting sincerely… I take my hat off) and that he'd put it into his colleagues' hands.
-Hallo Telekom, the technology from yesterday at the prices of tomorrow. How can I help you ?
-Well, this thing broke, you don't know very well how… it cut again so while your guys are tirelesly working on the solution, can you reset it so at least I have it for a pair of days?
-Why are you calling here?
-Well, one of your technicians told us to, given that this is taking weeks.
-That guy knows nothing and he's jumping the protocols.
-Yep, for sure the protocol is me to call Volja and they call you and you do nothing… we're more modern than that.
-Well, I will tell someone to go.
That someone went, and called saying he was going to check the line. Maja told him the problem wasn't the line, but the DSLAM. Reset it and it'll work.
A pair of hours later, he calls…
-But it's working now
-?
-You reset the DSLAM, right?
-Er… er… no
-(Suure)
-But it works now?
-Yep, like we told u
-Imposible! (At least he didnt use the dramatic tone of voice this time)
-Look, now please check why the hell is hanging every two days, specially on saturdays when curiously more people is connected to the Internetz-tubes.
-But does it work or not?
-Yes, but it will crash agai…
-Goodbye then
(Hangs)
-Dobro jutro, dober dan, and the bells of St. John. How can I help you?
-??
-Windows, which error number does it give?
-I don't use Windows… anyway, as I explained, the problem is in the central, so the router doesn't get line, therefore there wouldn't be the possibility of even getting that error number you talk about.
-But which error number…
-Nice day I chose to quit sleeping pills…
-Huh?
-DSLAM-BRO-KEN-NO-LI-NE
-?
-Centrala kaput!
-?
-(sigh) The Wan light is flashing, on, off, on, off, on, off
-Ahhh, now I understand. Did you try rese….
-YES I DID ! I've tried 2 routers, 4 splitters, and I really fed up of telling you the f***** prb is in the f*** central, like you must have written 25 times in that computer you use to play Solitaire 3D!
-Er… I'll send another report to Telekom…
-Yep, another. When I reach 50, they'll give me a nice dish set. When they will fix it?
-On monday, sir.
-They have guys on sat, why don't they fix it on saturday…
-Er…
-Why do, anyway, I have to depend on Telekom. I pay you, you get it fixed. (Well, I know why…)
Listen. I've been calling you every 2 days during the last 6 weeks. I tell you the problem is in the DSLAM, you laugh, do the same stupid tests you've been doing 25 times in a row and then you have the bright idea of doing what I told you to do, then surprise! it works… till it hangs again. I'm fed up of it. Just go there and sit with fist on your chin till you damn figure out why the hell does the DSLAM hang and think I'm connected when I'm not. Can you ?
-Sir, I cannot promise you…
-But sir, do you have IT knowledge, to tell me that?
-(Welcome to the land of professor doctors) Ok, didn't say my name according to the Slovene Standards. I'm not Pepe Pérez, I'm "Mr. M. Sc/Eng Pepe Pérez , M. Sc (Engineer) in IT with Honors, 1st of promotion, B. Sc in IT with Honors, 1st of promotion, studied in the Glorious Monarchy of Spain, Honour's degree in High School, speciality of Sciences/Technology, and I got an award in kindergarten for putting coloured stickers on the book better than anyone else". It's just that Pepe Pérez sounds shorter, and I come from a fracking place where people can actually learn by themselves w/o spending 5 yrs looking at the ceiling, nor they feel the need to put one's titles in front of people's faces to get respect from them. What I mean is, yes, I damn know what I'm talking 'bout, so pls, if this situation exceeds your capabilities, just write what I tell you to.
-Er…
-And while you're writing it, and given that no one of your nice technicians dared to come here to try to prove that it's my fault, give me the damn password of this piece of crap you put here on my table.
-I won't do it.
-Why? Router's mine, I paid it.
-Cause it's only for our technicians.
-And where are your technicians?
-Err. I don't want to talk more bout that.
-So, if they won't come, and they won't try to fix it, give me the damn password to help me diagnose myself why does the DSLAM hang.
-Er… I won't gi… I don't know the password.
-I caught you. Don't lie. What's the damn state secret you keep there not to give me the password of a damn router of whose kind I configure a dozen every single day with my eyes closed?
-Er…
-(Sigh) Let's leave it. Did you write what I told you?
-Yes sir
-Ok, read it to me
-Er…
-You didn't write a shit…
-Sir, I cannot write those technical … things…
-Look there! The guy who asks me bout my IT knowledge! I wonder if you even finished high school. You work in a DSL/Telekom company, even if you don't undestand them, you have to be able to write about technical things…
-Er…
-And I'm paying the call, and 60 € / mo for a crappy service. So just write.
(I tell him word by word, like teachers talk to little children in primary, signaling every comma, stop, full stop. Really denigrant for the both of us…)
-Yep, sir
-Ok, read it to me
-I cannot do that, sir
-Why not?
-Cause i wrote it in Slovene
-Nah, ni problem, jaz lahko razumem zelo dobro Slovensko, ce prav ne govorim dosti. In any case my wife here is waiting to hear your melodic accent.
-Ok
-Great, it only took us 45 min on the phone. By the way, I'm not paying next bill, that for sure.
-Er… you have to send a formal letter for…
-Yes I know. Everything that means you earning less, needs a formal letter. Don't worry. You're free.
Yes, it sounded bad, arrogant, and out of phase. But I can allegate in my defense that we were bound to have a nervous breakdown, become psychopats or whatever. When I came here I was a nice smiling boy, told jokes, took garbage out.. and in less than a year I was planning to become alcoholic, and had a beard of 3 weeks. Anyway, I've never got drunk in life, so it was a bad time to start. Better to relax a bit.
One long week later, our savior (the decent technician) got back from his illness, and told his fellas to fix it. Turns out -to my eternal surprise, again- that one board of the DSLAM wasn't ok, as well as "some software settings from SiOL" were doing the evil here. In the current week they'd change it and it would be ok.
However, in the meantime, we received a call. Volja.
-Hi, baby…
-Hi, I call from Volja. Did you sent us the router.?
-WTF?
-That if you sent us the router.
-The Ganymede you mean ? Why would I do that?
-Because we have sent you a new one.
-Aha. When did you sent it, exactly ?
-Er… on xx of March
-But, that's today
-Er… yes
-Then, how am I supposed to know that you sent me anything, or even worse, that I have to send the other back to you?
-Er… (pause. no answer.) When it arrives, you have to send the old one to us. Pack it and send it…
-But why are you sending it anyway, if the problem wasn't there, but in the central?
-Nonononono! It's the router, we're sending you a new one, pack the old and…
-But I tried already two and it wasn't that, it's in the central.
-Nonononono! Just pack it and…
-Yeeeeeees, don't woooorrry.
Usually, mail in Slovenia takes one day at most, (damn, you can cross the country in one hour, it'd better be fast) Furthermore, they, the post office and us are all in a range of 1 km.
But it didn't arrive… nor the next day. We were talking to the postman, but nothing for us. Another call…
-Volja, how can I help you?
-You sent a router…
-Yes, we sent it today….
-But you said you sent it two days ago…
-Er… well, they returned it, unknown address.
-Curious, bills arrive with no problem. And we talked to the postman and he had nothing.
-Er…
-Mail can be so unreliable….
-Er…
-Or did you try to send the router via e-mail ? We don't have internet, so it wouldn't work, and it would clog the "tubes of the Internetz"
-Er…
-So, you sent it today, you say…
-Yes, you have to pack and …
Yet it took another pair of days. It was exactly like the other, just with a bit more modern firmware. And it came without charger, in case "I run out of the country with them". However ADSL died anyway.
Luckily, it seems "The guys" came back from Croatia, changed the DSLAM board, and FINALLY, what should have taken no more than a pair of days, and took 6 weeks, happened. We have Internet, problem fixed. We rejoiced in redundant joy and feasted for 7 days and 7 nights. Well, no, at this point Internet was so frustrating that i just collected the 37.824 mails I had around, called Spain to say I'm alive, and went to bed. Internet just didn't taste good.
(Renovating the equipment also helps)
-Hi, what do you want?
-Does it work now?
-Indeed, thank you
-Turns out it was a problem in the central.. but for sure you don't want to hear about such technic…
-(DAMN SURE I WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!) (Well… actually not, that story is the same I've been telling you for weeks)
-Anyway, I've measured and seems 10 Mg is too much for the line…
-Yes, I know, that's why we got 8
-But 8 is on the limit, I don't think we can…
-Er… actually 10 Mg WAS on the limit of signal/noise, therefore we were told to put 8, and it was working for 3 months no prob. Anyway, that doesn't correspond to the problem we were having….
-Er… well, I was also 3 months younger 3 months ago…
-(Yep, I felt 10 yrs younger 1 yr ago, though. But plastic and metal are usually more stable.)
-So, we should try 4 Mgs Though not really making sense, it was one of the few sentences that had ANY sense lately. To be sincere, it sounded to me that they wanted me to free some band so that they could plug yet other guy into the already overloaded DSLAM (I was told no more plugs were available at the time, some weeks ago)
-Ok, let's try it… put it to 4 Mg
-I can't
-?
-You have to call Volja, so that it reports it to me…. Sigh. I looked at the offer of Volja. For cutting our speed by half, instead of paying 44 € (plus Telekom fee), we'd pay… 4 € less!!! Marvellous!!!
I wasn't quite on my mind so I even got to say "OK", while my few remaining brain cells tried to insult me.
-Voljatel… What do you want?
-Hi, Telekom guy says to try 4Mg, at least temporally…
-You have to send formal letter or email signed with your Digital Certificate from Posta Slovenije or NLB. Otherwise, we won't even consider it….
-Go to ….
Win money -> Everything simple, even if you send us smoke signals.
Lose money -> Everything through notar, signed by triplicate and translated into 20 languages. Then they'll say it didn't arrive.
So i scrapped the 4 Mg idea. Actually, I made a test, just for fun, and… couldn't believe it. Retried different metods, but it seems that, since they fixed it, my connection was gloriously going at 10 Mg, not 8, and no aparent problem. (And as of today, it keeps working). So I don't really know what were the intentions of the last guy. Want to think he really meant to help… I'll never know.
-Hi, I call from Volja
-To beg for mercy and forgiveness?
-We sent you another router… you have to pack and…
-Er.. that arrived some days ago…
-No, it's another one. Pack the others and…
-Another one? But if the prob wasn't the router at all, it's fixed and I'm even using the original router w/o probs!
-Nononononon, it's the router…
-No, it was the centra…
-Nononono, it was the router. Pack the old ones and ….
Again, when it arrived (5 or 6 days later, again lost address I guess), I opened and had a look. So far they had been sending me the Ganymede model, which has 4 ports:
But horror, Volja had been monitoring us, he knew the same moment we took the router from post office. So they called. And they called again. And again. So we called back…
-Volja, how can I…
-We were called a pair of times today, did you want smtg ?
-If you don't send the routers by next week (It was Friday), we'll proceed to charge them.
-(Listen, lady, the second router took 5 days to arrive. I was even going to let it rot till post office sent it back to you, but I went and picked it. They will be sent back 1st damn thing in the morning, for sure they wont take 5 days to arrive. However I don't really know why the frack you're sending them to us. I guess for sure you still don't have a clue of what was the problem. I certainly only would hope thet you were so fast and diligent for helping fix the damned problem as you're right now to call 3 times in a row to threaten. …)
Unfortunately, it was Maja on the phone, not me, so before half fainting, she just was able to say "bova, bova" (We will, we will). She's still a good person, after all.
And, like this we could say it ended. I'm still unstill, waiting for the next nightmare their minds will create, but trying to forget. For what I see and read, there is a lot of people with similar problems, some in better situation, some worse, some more lucky, some with more strenght to fight back.
But here in Slovenia consumer protection is mostly inexistent. You depend on the "dobra volja" (Ironically, "good will") of the companies, which they happen to lack completely, more even when they are controlled by the State, the Church, or one of those four rich guys this country has, which people praise for "knowing how to get money", without thinking that it's their own money he's taking away.
Whatever. To anyone that has reached bottom of desperation due to this, or any other thing, good luck.
. 
