Kako se pocutiti kot kriminalec v Sloveniji (I)
Well, estimated readers, as you know we have spent some weeks offline, suffering that little torture called problem "incident" with ADSL.
As a dirty foreigner, it's one's will to adapt to the customs and ways of the locals -when in Rome, do as Romans do-, and to some extent I feel I managed to do it. However, sometimes some thingies happen that do not feel normal, not even for a foreigner. That's why, as a small therapy, I will dedicate this week to thrash about some of the dirtiest aspects of this little cute country.
Disclaimer: No real need to say this, but the fact I trash about some things that do not work well in Slovenia, does not mean:
- That these things don't / cannot work well for anyone.
- That I hate everyone and everything in this country.
- That this is the only country where such things happen.
Therefore, if you're not going to accept a bit of irony, you can stop reading 
How to get Internet in the Glorious Republic
The little story about this chapter of "how to feel like a criminal in Slovenia" starts some months ago, around October; back then we started to move to Ljubljana, and got a cute flat, after a long process of visiting quite some ruined ones, as we related previously.
Problem was, here aerial antennas are considered terribly uncool, as cable is the latest fashion. I would agree, if the whole thing worked, which it didn't. So the building didn't have aerial antenna, and the flat didn't have yet phone nor Internet. The owner gave us carte blanche to choose whatever we wanted, so we started the process.
Phone I don't need, I have my own VoIP gateway and I can call to Spain for 1.5 cent / min, so we can scrap phone. That lets us with TV / Internet.
Most of people here choose to have both via cable, so we got informed. There are 3 main companies, UPC/Telemach, Ljubljanski Kabel and Telekom Slovenije, representing the latter the former monopoly of this country. You're supposed to hire one of them, then there are quite some companies that will give you Internet over that cable.
So, we called them by order… Ljubljanski Kabel said that this was zone of UPC… so we called them…
-Hi, we wanted to hire this serv…
-Ok, no prob, where do you live ?
-In La Moncloa, 1
-Ok, yep, that is in our zone so we will … er… wait a sec, which number did u say ?
-1
-Uh, oh… I'm afraid that precisely in that number cannot be… I'm sorry
-And why is that so ?
-Well, I shouldn't say this… Telekom has paid so that no one in your building can hire other than Telekom. And being they the monopol, there's not much that we could do… lots of people are in the same situation, and thought there have been a lot of trials between companies… these things go slowly. I'm sorry.
-Ok, thank you.
Stranged by this, we called again, but they told us the same, that Telekom has our plugs kidnapped bought.
The majority of Internet providers only work with the other two companies, I don't really know if anyone gives Internet service via Telekom. That puts cable Internet out of the game for us.
Later, people in my building explained the "ways of Telekom", what they are doing in other places of the country. Some of them actually hired it in my building and they are 10 months later, still waiting for the nice guys to appear and install it. Some of them only got it after finding -and using- an "internal contact". Furthermore, they charge up to 300 € for plugging. 10 months for TV do not deserve my money. The aerial option, required an internal antenna, which we tried witch crappy results, and we would have to pay -even if most Slovenes "forget" to do so- TV-tax. (Adding to the radio-tax and the former "radio-on-car" tax). Around 12 € per month for watching snow. No thanks.
So, let's go for satellite antenna. Private good guys wanted up to 500 €, given the terrible difficulties of mounting 4 screws and measuring degrees. So I got fed up and mounted myself one with motor, for much less.
Actually, I remember watching in Baumax a simple antenna rod, 2m, zinc alloy, for 60€ !!!. Go to an old-style hardware/metal shop, and u'll get the same thing for less than 5€.
But anyway, problem solved. Habemus tele.
We still needed Internet, though. Telekom owns the lines. Only option to escape them was T-2 and VDSL. Grave mistake…
We called, no problem to put it in our flat… filled contract, send contract to flat owner to sign, sent it to T-2… and waited…
and waited…
and waited…
two weeks later we called…
-Well, let me see… well, it's possible in your street… oh, wait…
-Crap.
-Which number you said?
-1
-Er… I'm sorry, but in that building we…
-Telekom? What does it …
-Er… I'm sorry I cannot give you that info.
-Then what? The building has less than 5 yrs, what's the prob?
-Er, I'm sorry, we cannot give you service.
-Are you deaf?
-It's 2 o'clock, 1 o'clock in the Canary Islands….
So… ADSL is the only option. We're not more than 800 m away from the central, by disgrace our central doesn't allow for unbundled access, which means we have to use the network of Telekom (and pay more for the same). I calculated that something between 4 and 10 megabyte would be possible, so let's try to get that.
In bundled access, as I said Telekom is the one putting the line, and then one other company provides you with the service. This is supposed to be impartial, free competence and all that stuff… but as always, Telekom has a daughter company, SiOL, which has preference, and of course it's the most expensive. Lots of trials, courts, and more mafia behaviour, like creating fake problems to some customers so that they get fed up and change to SiOL. Back to the good old Spain scheme
However, they only offered or 1 or 10 Megas, nothing in-between, and they didn't have some of the technical things that I required for my connection… so we tried with another company…
Called.. sent contract…
"Telekom will put you new line in 15 laboral days"… this in 21st century
so waited…
and waited…
called…
-"Telekom will put you new line in 15 laboral days"
-… it's been 24…
-IMPOSSIBLE!!! ™ First time that happens!!! ™
-I have extensive training in customer service lies… so stop it, you don't serve for theater…
-i'll forward to Telekom again, but we cannot promise you…
-Well, contract said…
-I'm sorry sir, we cannot promise you…
Hey, I only asked him to plug one of the plugs -if-… but I think it was understood for him to close the wall once he was done!
A nice close-up:
Such delicacy, such forms, such architecture of colours and shapes… this is a work of gods !
The red circles indicate the real job, join two cables together, which he did out of pure generosity.
Pure as pure as 21 thousand Slovene bucks can be, around 100 € for this mess.
Actually, it didn't even work… so called Telekom Slovenije…
-Er… this mess your guy made… beautiful, but not functional…
-Doesn't work ?
-Nope…
-IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! ™
-But true
-Have you tried unplugging it…
-You can really jump past the script. Line ain't well set up at your end…
-IMPOSSIBLE!!!! did u try in another plug?
-He only mounted one plug… anyway wouldn't work, main line is not ok.
-Did u try with other phone ?
-4 of them. All colours and shapes.
-First time such a thing happens !!! ™
-It's in your end…
Nothing, he came here. Same guy came to Maja. He said it was impossible ™ cause he tested it … but it didn't work. He went back to "their end"… and voilá. Worked. Surprise surprise.
But the promise to come back and fix the wall mess vanished. Lunch time I guess.
So we had to mount a splitter / phone plug… with some scrap materials and a bit of patience… we put connectors to all cables…. and with a random circuit that was laying around from previous adventures, a bit modified….
We closed the wall like good children…
The next 20 days passed by in slow-motion, with us looking at the eternal blinking light of the router.. In that time they sent us two routers, one from Telekom and other from the company, both completely blocked and dumbed down to the functionality of a mere modem, so that I cannot configure them. After all, I'm only a M. Sc./Eng. …. not a Professor Doktor, and configuring one router is something that can be veeeeeeeery difficult. (And veeery expensive if you have to pay their technicians to do it instead of you, of cour$$$e )
Another 5 days, we called… the same "this doesn't work – IMPOSSIBLE!!! – give me the password so I can check – no – why not, I know how – no – ok, so fix it – <insert random absurd questions of the script> – please just go to central and fix it" stupid conversation of every time. Fortunately we got to meet the -so far- only competent technician we've known here… who yep, went to central, fixed it, came home, measured, and told us the info we asked. -Well, he claims he doesn't have the password for the router, which seems a bit strange, but who knows-.
Still, we had to call "the company" (aka Volja) a pair of times as they didn't put static IP like we asked and "wrote with pen" on the contract as they themselves said… and like we sent in the specific formular, like they themselves said…
But they didn't seem to read. One more week they took to do it… but ok.
They didn't give me a pair of data needed for plugging my own DSL router… a pair of values every single country has available publicly on Internet, but seem to be a secret of state here (actually they seem to have a backdoor in their router, so that they can do naughty things whenever they want "upgrade the configuration", and that's a nice reason not to give the password away). Therefore I had to use their "modem", plus had to buy an Ethernet router, namely a Linksys WRT54GL, quite nice for flashing and playing… 50 € in Spain… rounding 100€ in Slovenia. At least it's valid for tax relief.
So, we got TV, we got ADSL, 8Mb/700Kb … paying 10Mb but ok. The former I had to do myself, the latter… well, half I had to do myself anyway. 12 € per month for a line that I don't use for phone (even they wanted to charge 3€ /month for caller Id) , and 100 € for plugging.
Not too much later, some neighbours approached, as they were far more desperated and didn't feel like shouting in Slovene / English with Spanish accent as much as we do… so we agreed to share with them a bit of the hard earned cake. During 3 months, all was quiet, we kept on moving things to Ljubljana, and we tried to forget, and live a calm life but…
… nothing lasts forever…
but that's a story for the next occasion. Be good!
